Reflections on Love
by Bright Leo Star
Summary: Cherimon. Is love necessary to live a happy life? What is the line between friendship and love? Alex is discovering that not everything is as simple as it seems, specially when it involves his flatmate Charlie.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Reflections on Love

Author: Denebola Eltanin Black

Genre: Romance

Rating: R (eventually)

Warnings: Pretty strong language; Sex... the usual for Cherimon fics.

Author's Note: I am not an english native speaker so the grammar can be a bit strange and I absolutely cannot differentiate between words that only americans use and words that only british people use.

**Chapter 1: The only thing that matters is that it makes sense to you**

**Alex**

It was really late at night the first time Alex realised that his relationship with Charlie was more than just a normal relationship between best mates. He was a tiny bit tipsy, not really drunk because he rarely indulged in drinking and he really didn't want to have a hangover for recording the next day. He was just sipping a beer and having a normal conversation with Michael after a long day working on the new Chameleon Circuit album when Michael asked the question that would change Alex's life more than he could ever imagine.

"Who is the most important person in your life? Like, the one person you couldn't live without."

Alex was a bit baffled by the question. They had been talking about music just a minute before and he didn't really know how they had stumbled into serious conversation all of a sudden.

"I... I don't know." He said, mentally going through everyone he knew because clearly Michael expected a better answer. "Probably... Charlie, I guess."

As Alex saw Michael's eyebrows go up rapidly, he evaluated what he had just said and his eyes widened in shock. Michael snorted.

"You just realised how weird that sounded, didn't you?" He said, still chuckling a bit.

The humour of the whole situation caught up with Alex and he laughed as well.

"Yeah, yeah, I did." he ran a hand through his hair, a bit uncomfortable with the fact that apparently his best friend was also the single most important person in his life. "I just never thought about it, really."

Michael nodded and after a while continued:

"Yeah, I understand. Still, I didn't know you loved him that much, thought you were just friends, you know?"

"We are just friends." Alex said, all mirth gone. It was okay for people who didn't know them to make assumptions about their relationship but Michael was a close friend to both of them and Charlie would hate it if he knew their friends also saw them that way.

"Okay..." Michael frowned. "But you are in love with him, right?"

"No!" Alex protested. "I really, really love him but... no!" He was telling the truth. He had never had any sexual feeling towards Charlie at all.

"Right." Said the black-haired man sceptically. Alex sighed in frustration.

"No, really. I'm not in love with him. He's like..." But he couldn't continue for a second because, what _was_ Charlie to him? Clearly not just a friend but not a crush or anything like that either. "I don't know." He said at last and locked eyes with Michael trying to make him understand. "I think maybe he's like my soulmate or something, just not in a romantic way. Does that make any sense?"

"I guess it only matters if it makes sense to you." answered Michael thoughtfully.

Alex rubbed his face, suddenly really tired and just wanting to go to his room and think for a while. He looked at his iphone and saw it was already two in the morning. He realised then that as Michael was sleeping in the couch, he didn't have much choice but to wait everyone had decided to go to bed before he could too and felt a bit bad for keeping him up so late.

"I'm going to bed." He said as he got off the couch and tossed the remainder of his beer in the sink.

"Good night, Alex." He heard Michael said and he waved in response.

When he was about to enter his room he saw Charlie's closed door and felt drawn to it. He just wanted to see Charlie before he went to sleep. All the talk about feelings had him feeling vulnerable and confused and he just wanted some sort of comfort.

Quietly, so as not to wake Charlie or alert Michael, he went to his friend's bedroom door and opened it slowly. As he peered through the opened door he saw Charlie's face glowing strangely in the dark room. It took him a second to understand that the other boy was sitting on his bed with his laptop on his lap and it was the light of the screen that created the weird illusion.

Charlie looked up as he heard the door open and squinted against the brightness that remained in his eyes after staring into his computed screen.

"Alex?" he whispered.

"Yeah." the older man whispered back. "Can I come in?"

"Yes, of course." Charlie answered immediately, placing the laptop on the floor next to his bed and turning on the lamp on his bedside table. "What's up?"

Alex ignored the question and just entered the room, closing the door behind him. He walked carefully towards the bed because in Charlie's room there was often a lot of wires and delicate equipment around. He sat on his friends bed, put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. In a second, he felt the mattress move as Charlie came to sit beside him.

"You okay? What happened?" Charlie asked, placing a hand on Alex's shoulder. Alex sighed. When he fist met Charlie there had been a lot of awkward moments when Alex touched the younger boy and Charlie was just plainly uncomfortable. Alex had always been a very tactile person but Charlie was in the other side of the spectrum completely. It had taken Alex a lot of effort not to hug or touch Charlie all the time but after a while they became much more comfortable with each other and Charlie started initiating casual touches. It made Alex extremely smug to know that he was the only one Charlie touched casually and without any awkwardness and it still surprised and pleased him when it happened.

"Alex?" Charlie insisted, tightening the hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, sorry." Alex looked up into his friends eyes, they looked very dark in the dim yellow light. "Nothing happened. Can we just talk for a while?" He asked, silently begging Charlie not to question him. As he often was, Charlie was exactly what Alex needed him to be.

"Sure. What do you want to talk about?" Charlie scooted over so Alex could sit next to him with their backs against the headboard.

"I don't know... Why are you awake? I thought you were going to sleep early tonight."

"I did, I just woke up and had an idea for a video so I wanted to write it down before I forgot." Alex smiled. He really liked how dedicated Charlie was with his videos.

"What is this idea that couldn't wait until morning?" he asked, still smiling.

"I was thinking of doing something like a cooking show and acting all professional about it when obviously I'm going to be rubbish at it ." Charlie grinned and started to tell Alex all the ideas he had for his video, the shots he was planning, the jokes he was going to use. Half way through, without any kind of decision on his part, Alex fell asleep, with a smile on his face.

**Michael**

Michael opened his eyes and tried to identify what had awoken him. He heard a soft clinking sound and concluded that Charlie was in the kitchen making tea. Charlie was usually out of bed before Alex or Michael because they stayed up until late most nights playing games or having unexpectedly deep conversations.

He sat up and made a grunting half asleep greeting sound. Charlie smiled brightly at him and showed him a mug in offering. Michael nodded gratefully and slowly struggled out of the couch to join Charlie in the kitchen. He took the cup offered by the blue-eyed man and took a sip of blissful british tea, there really wasn't anything quite like it in America. As he turned to lean on the counter he noticed the door to Alex's bedroom was wide open and the light coming out suggested that the curtains were completely open too, which wasn't like Alex at all.

"Is Alex out?" He mused absently.

"No." Charlie replied simply. Michael frowned in confusion and then spotted Charlie's own closed door. That door was usually only closed when Charlie was asleep or working. Understanding dawned on him and he coughed a bit uncomfortably. He glanced at Charlie who was pouring tea into two different cups with a carefully blank expression on his face. When he finished pouring into the first one he placed the kettle on the counter and turned on Michael.

"We don't usually sleep in each other's beds." he stated.

"I wasn't asking..." Michael tried to cut in, because he really didn't need any explanations. It was their busyness to do as they liked. He was already in their house, invading their space and privacy all the time, he didn't want them to feel like they had to change their behaviour because of him.

"I know. It's just that it's really not like that and it'd be weird if you thought it was."

"Okay."

"He was upset about something last night." Charlie looked at Michael significantly, but, what could he say?

"Did he say why he was upset?" Michael's question seemed to bother Charlie though he clearly tried to hide it.

"No. Did he say anything to you?" he inquired and Michael decided to go with a neutral answer.

"I might have asked a few questions that may have been a bit too personal."

Charlie seemed to ponder on that for a moment and then he simply turned, poured tea into the second cup and took both cups in one hand.

"Are you going to jog with us today?" he asked as he made his way to his bedroom.

"Maybe tomorrow, I just want to sleep for a while longer." Mostly he just wanted to give them some space, but sleep sounded nice.

"Alright, see you later then." Charlie said before closing the door behind himself.

Michael sighed. He'd just been living there for less than a month and already he felt all tangled up in weird home dynamics. He really liked both of them and he understood that sometimes relationship were complicated and confusing. He was just a bit sorry he was the one who had brought all the confusion to the surface. He hoped with all his heart that they would sort it all out one way or another.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Love is not necessary**

(27/01/2011)

Alex could only think it was really bad timing when Charlie announced that he was going to make a video about the things that the internet said about them. Well, mostly about Charlie, but Alex was one of those things. Obviously, Charlie had no idea that Alex had had any sort of revelation and consequentially Alex had no reason to say no when his friend asked him to participate in denying their romantic relationship.

Of course, it wasn't that Alex thought there was or should be any romantic relationship, he was just questioning the status quo a little. He didn't want Charlie in any sexual way but he loved him more than anyone else in the world. So, where did that leave him? Was it possible to be in love with someone without wanting to have sex with them? But then, how did you make a difference between friends and people you're in love with? And in the whole mess of emotions, how could Alex be 100% sure that be was straight?

All of this questions made Alex distinctly uncomfortable when he had to announce in front of Charlie's camera that yes, he was definitely straight and had no romantic feelings for his flatmate whatsoever.

He went out of the room feeling like shit for sort of lying to his friend and to the world and was suddenly faced with a concerned looking Michael Aranda. Alex smiled at him half-heartedly and whispered: "I'm fine" when he was close enough for Michael to hear him. The tall man just placed a comforting hand on Alex's forearm and said nothing. Alex was grateful, for the touch and the silence, because really, Michael didn't have the best track record with words.

He groaned a bit when he heard Charlie moving around in his room and stepped away from Michael.

"I'm going to go out with Ed for a while, he wants to check out this guitar and I told him I'd give my opinion." Michael said as he started to gather his coat and wallet. Alex sent him a pleading look, it was a lot easier to maintain a calm facade when Michael was there because Charlie's attention wasn't completely on him. Michael shook his head and whispered in Alex's ear: "Look, I'm not telling you what to do, but maybe you should just talk to him and you can sort it out together."

"I don't know..." Alex started whispering back but then Charlie was out of his room and Michael was saying goodbye.

Charlie instantly started trying to convince Alex to play a video game with him and Alex couldn't resist Charlie's pleading eyes. After a little while of discussion they decided to play Mario and Alex decided he might as well follow Michael's advice as he really didn't know what else to do.

They were both taking their sits on the sofa when Alex finally had the courage to ask:

"Why does it bother you so much?"

Charlie looked confused for a moment.

"The Cherimon thing?" he asked. Alex nodded. Charlie gave it a minute of thought.

"I guess it's the fact that they think they know me so well and they really don't. I don't get why seeing a few videos of me talking entitles them to have opinions about who I am and who I love."

Okay, so it wasn't that Charlie was bothered because it was Alex specifically, just the fact that people were claiming rights over his life. He sighed a bit in relief.

"Why doesn't it bother you?" Charlie asked and Alex tried to think of a better way to answer than: 'I'm so confused about all this it doesn't surprise me in the least that our viewers picked up on it.'

"I don't know. It just doesn't. It just a thing they do, right? Every fandom has slash fan fiction. I just think it's a normal consequence of being liked by lots of teenage girls with internet access."

"Yeah, maybe you're right. It's just weird, you know?"

Alex nodded and decided to leave the conversation there, obviously the whole thing was just Charlie being self-conscious about his popularity and not a relationship freakout. Not that there was a relationship. They set up the game and started playing.

"I mean, even if I was gay, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you." Charlie said off-handedly with most of his attention on the game.

Alex just stared at him for a second, completely ignoring the game. So much for it not being about their relationship. He was a bit surprised at how much that statement hurt. For him, it was very clear that if he ever felt attracted to a man it would be Charlie, because Charlie was awesome and he loved him a lot already, more than he had ever loved anyone he _had_ been sexually attracted to.

"What? Why not?" he asked, only half feigning the indignation in his voice. Charlie turned back to look at him and smiled, apparently amused at Alex's reaction.

"Are you kidding? It would be the most unhealthy relationship ever!"

"What? No, it wouldn't! It would be awesome and fun and we would be like those couples that grow old together and are still in love when they are a hundred years old!"

Charlie just raised an eyebrow at him. Alex cursed his inability to control what came out of his mouth.

"Or... you know... something less creepy..." he stammered, running a hand through his hair. He heard the sound of their characters dying in the game.

Charlie burst out laughing and Alex scowled at him.

"No, but come on! Why would you think that we wouldn't make a great couple?" Alex asked, turning fully to stare at his flatmate. Charlie's laugh died down. He looked down at the control on his hand, fiddling with the buttons. Alex waited for him to answer, as he always did. He was always metaphorically hanging on the edge of his seat to hear what Charlie would say next. It was the reason he liked being with Charlie so much, but this time, the suspense was driving him crazy.

"Charlie..." He started.

"I'm just thinking of a way to answer that won't sound completely wrong and creep you out." Charlie murmured, interrupting him.

Alex almost groaned in exasperation. That was textbook Charlie right there, always thinking the right thing to say. Alex absolutely hated when he did that. After all the time they spend together, it was fucking annoying that Charlie still felt like he had to control his words and actions around Alex. Also, it made Alex feel at a disadvantage because he had almost no brain-to-mouth filter. The lyrics of a song started to come to him: "darling, have some indecency, you know there is nothing you could say that would embarrass me..." and tried to commit it to his memory so he could use it later.

"Just say it, I won't take the wrong way." he really didn't understand why this needed to be made clear again. For Alex it was so completely obvious, but apparently it did.

"Ok..." Charlie sighed and the continued. "I think that we spend so much time together and we're so..." he struggled for a bit " close..." he frowned. "That's not the right word" he muttered. "anyway, I think that if were a couple we would be so intensely focused on each other we would go insane... you know, proper mental." Charlie's eyes locked on Alex's as if trying to will him to understand, then Charlie sighed with resignation. "I'm not making myself very clear."

"I really don't see that as a bad thing. Love is supposed to drive you a bit mental." Alex started gesticulating to make his point.

"Maybe that's why I don't get it." Charlie murmured and Alex grew still.

"Don't get what?" He asked carefully.

"Love." The younger man answered without looking at Alex.

"What do you mean?"

"It's just... I've been thinking lately. You know how all the happy endings in movies and books involve two people finding love?" Alex nodded and settled for one of Charlie's introspective monologues. It was something Charlie was wont to do from time to time, and Alex loved that about him, how he could put everything about himself and the world in perspective and dissect it almost scientifically.

"Well, I haven't had a girlfriend in, what? three years? And I think that these have been the best years of my life. So I just started wondering, you know? What if it's all a big lie? A fantasy that we all grow into. I think maybe you don't need love to be happy. Maybe you can be happy on your own or just with friends. There is no need to mould your life around just one single person, it doesn't really makes sense, does it?"

Alex thought about it for a long moment. He had always considered that the way to happiness was a combination of personal success and someone to share it with. He did have that fantasy that Charlie was talking about.

"What about the sex?" Alex asked suddenly and Charlie laughed.

"That would be your concern, wouldn't it?" Alex laughed as well, throwing his head back, when his laugh died down a bit he looked over at Charlie and found him staring at Alex fondly.

Suddenly, it all made sense. Yes, maybe romantic love was unnecessary, maybe one could live without ever falling in love and be happier than anyone else. Alex thought about never going out on dates again and it didn't feel like it would be such a loss. He had fun on dates and he really liked sex but it wasn't as fulfilling as half the conversations he had with Charlie or as just writing a good song. He could go without romantic love as long as he had his talent and his friends. He could stop worrying about his feeling for Charlie being more than just friends because it didn't change anything.

"So, love is not necessary." He said looking into Charlie's eyes and feeling like the world had just expanded infinitely.

"Love is not necessary." Charlie agreed and pushed the game controller back into Alex's hand, rearranging himself into his playing position.


End file.
